Still around

Sorry for the lack of updates.  I’ve been rolling on Cliffhanger Theater and this blog got pushed to the back.  Plus, my wife’s laptop has a new cord on the way.  I swear by Macs but for some reason I don’t feel creative on one.  Weird, huh?

Not quite fan fiction, and not quite fiction

Hello there.

I’ve not had time to work on any of my fanfic ideas yet, but since it’s been so long, I fished this story out of my MySpace blog (circa December of 2004).  It’s part fiction, as in one of the people in the story’s point of view is pure speculation.

The Ghost of Christmas Never-Was

“Does Pizza Hut sound alright?”

He nodded. Pizza Hut it was. The snow was falling ever so gently. It hardly seemed like a typical December for the area. Instead of drifts and mountains of plowed snow, only a light dusting covered the ground. At least it was enough to cover the ground she thought to herself. He was just looking out the window. She knew coming back to see him wasn’t a great idea, but it didn’t seem like this bad of an idea. As she drove, she thought about the last year. They’d met, and he seemed sweet at first, like any other guy on the prowl. Things were different though. He was one of the nice guys. One of the nice guys to get caught up with her. She was no angel, but she was to him. She thought about the awkward getting to know each other nights last winter. The fun times in the spring. How he helped her move in with him after just a few months. His attempts to be her strength after her surgery. Something changed over the summer…something wasn’t right. Her mind wasn’t quite right. She didn’t want to blame herself, or blame him. They had barely anything in common. She’d needed to get help, to get more therapy to help her get past her past. The abuse, the assault, the episodes that took her to the peak of happiness and left her to drown at the well of despair. Maybe the night will get better…I’m hitting all greens she thought, as she looked over to him. He was just looking out the window. It seemed like he was looking at all the holiday decorations about town. She had hoped some food would balance him out. I’m the one with the prescriptions for a chemical imbalance, and I have to be the emotional rock. What in the world is he thinking about? The flowers?

He left work that night, and decided to take the long way home. On the drive, he spotted the grocery store. His mind shuffled to a random memory.
“Gerbera Daisies…they’re my favorite.”
He eased on the brake and turned towards the grocery store. It wasn’t his favorite grocery store in town, but it had the floral shop where he’d heard that voice. He walked in, and there they were, in all sorts of colors. Crap, what color?
“Can I help you sir”
“Uh yeah…I need three of those Gerbera Daisies please…one of each color.”
He smiled to himself. That was easy enough. No use sending one mixed message when he could send them all. He started to wonder why he was buying flowers at all. They’d been broke up for months. They’d seen each other a few times here and there, and usually something happened between them. It gave him comfort, and a hope of reconciliation. Right now, it just seemed like a spontaneous thing to do. That was always one of her problems with him…no spontaneity. I like to plan my spontaneity out… how many times had he had that canned glib response ready. He tossed the flowers in the passenger seat and drove home. The drive seemed to take forever, and he kept thinking about all the times maybe he should have bought flowers, or maybe that if he’d done things like this more often, things would be different. He kept telling himself it wouldn’t have mattered. He’d tried to give her good memories of this sleepy town, but her bad ones always bubbled up to drive her more towards the edge she almost fell off of just before she ended things by moving home for more therapy and analysis. He told himself that at every stop sign, but the thought always came back. It’s my fault. I couldn’t do enough to help her. I should have been stronger. I should have seen the signs. I should have stayed with her when she had her breakdown. I shouldn’t have worried so damn much about money. I should have gone camping with her… He pulled into his parking space and shut off his car. He gathered his backpack and flowers and headed up the stairs. The door was unlocked, so he came in. She was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels. A tiny smile came across his mouth. “Honey, I’m home.”
“Hey baby.”
He grinned. Well, there’s my five seconds of what domestic bliss feels like. Confidently, he popped into the living room. “These are for you.”
“Gerbera Daisies? You shouldn’t have” she said, with a big surprised smile.
“Well, I wanted to.”
“They’re beautiful. I’ll get something to put them in” she said, as she got up to find a makeshift vase. She filled up an old milkjug and put them on a bookcase. “What’s for supper?”
“Oh, I thought we’d go out somewhere. Any ideas?”
“Pizza sounds good. Let me use the restroom quick.” She sauntered down the hallway of the old apartment, leaving the flowers on the bookcase. He just stared at them. When she came out, he was still staring at them. He could hear her gathering her jacket, then putting it down. He bit his inner lip, then his cheek, but he couldn’t turn around and face her. Not now. But it was too late, as she turned him to face her. He just looked down.
“What’s wrong?”
“I…it will sound stupid.”
“No, what is it.”
“I…I missed…buying you flowers.”
“But, you didn’t buy me flowers that often…”
”I know…” he said, fighting back the tears in a losing battle. “I should have bought them more often…” came out, just before he broke down again.

Finally…we’re almost there she thought to herself. She looked at him again. His head was totally turned the other way.
“Are you okay?” she asked, knowing damn well he wasn’t.
“No…I’m…I’m fine.”
Liar she thought.
“On second thought…maybe…”
She cut him off. “…we could just order in? No big deal.”
“You don’t mind?”
“No, it’s okay.”
“Alright…I’m just…I just don’t know if I should be in public. Right now.”
Oh brother. What was his deal? She couldn’t figure it out. She knew he had loved her more that he’d loved anybody. She’d been in love with him, she thought. She wasn’t really sure anymore. He was her first real boyfriend after her last major boyfriend, in a relationship that had lasted four years. She sometimes wondered if she’d simply transferred her love of her other ex to him, or if it was all a rebound thing. She was sure she did the right thing by leaving and breaking up with him. She’d already seen some other guys back home, and he’d been on a date with one of his old girlfriends. It was over. They agreed it was over, but they still seemed willing to see each other now and then, to share stories and a warm bed. She decided to take the scenic route back. She may not have great memories of the town, but she did like how the houses went all out for Christmas. Halfway back, she noticed he wasn’t getting any more comfortable. He was doing his best macho manly act, and failing quite badly. “What is it? Are you okay?”
“Nothing…it’s the lights…it’ll sound stupid.”
The lights? What the hell? She thought to herself. “Okay. Do…do you want to talk about it anyway?”
He glanced at her. He was fighting a losing battle with his emotions. “When we get back home.”
Home. He called it home, but it was just an apartment. It bothered her a bit that he said “home” instead of “my place” or “the apartment.” She’d left that home for another, and wouldn’t be moving back. She had to get on with her life. She had to move on. She had to figure her own life and priorities out. She kept thinking that to herself as she parked the car in front of the apartment building. He opened the door and started walking towards the main entrance. She thought about what she’d told him before, about how she couldn’t cry anymore…about how she couldn’t feel emotions that way with the drugs and the therapy. He’d be the one crying, and she’d half to be the anchor. How backwards is this she wondered to herself.

He slowly took of his jacket. He could hear her ordering pizza in the kitchen. Papa Johns…ugh he thought to himself. Papa Johns always made him really thirsty. Plus, it’s what they ordered the first night she came over to his apartment on a date of sorts. He plopped on the couch, trying to compose himself. She walked over and sat gently down next to him. He looked at her brown eyes, her freckles, and flowing brown hair. He looked down again, fighting back his sadness. He could feel her moving closer. Her arms encircled him, and she pulled him towards her. He fought a bit, but she compromised by moving towards him. His head was against her chest, her head balancing on his. “The lights…the Christmas lights are what got into me.”
“The lights? Why the lights? They’re beautiful.”
He took a deep breath. He so wanted to get through this without another breakdown. “Back this summer, before you…had to go away, I was already thinking about our first Christmas together. I wanted our first Christmas together to be special. I was going to go to True Value and get a big tree for the corner. I was going to put lights everywhere, and have it ready before your shift ended at midnight. I was going to have candles and mistletoe and everything. Then, I was guessing we’d have to have some Christmas at your parents and my parents, but for our own Christmas together…that is, if things were still going well, and if we weren’t having major problems…I…I…” He stopped suddenly. He didn’t want to say it.
“What?” she asked, sounding almost as sad as he did.
“I…I was going to…ask you to marry me…” he croaked out, as he started sobbing softly. She held him tighter that he’d ever remembered. He stopped to take a deep breath. She just held him tightly, not saying anything. He knew he shouldn’t have said it. What was the use? Things were over, and they would never be the same again. He felt something on his forehead suddenly, as a single tear from above came rolling down his face from above.