The 2008 VMAs: through the eyes of an old CHR jock

Tonight, for the first time, I plan to update this blog during every commercial break during the MTV VMAs.  No second guessing what I write, and no time to fix weird spelling errors.  Yes, this includes the *groan* Pre-show.

7:00 PM

Sway’s in a chopper.  Well, that means no Sway interviews.  I’m down for that.  Danity Kane has a big DK on their limo, so they’ll find it in the lot afterward pretty easily.  Jay-Z is sporting a…Toronto Blue Jays hat?  Is it because the Jays passed the Yanks or what?  Did I see Mya?  I’m glad to see she’s still invited.  Man, I’m out of the loop.  Who is this guy?  Where’s my Kurt Loder?  Where’s John Norris?  Geez, did I just ask where John Norris was?  I sort of know who Lauren Conrad is, thanks mainly to egotastic.com and not at all from watching the hills.  It just clicked with me that they’re at Paramount.  The one time I was in L.A. I took the studio tour.  It was actually really cool, but mainly because I saw them building the Borg cube set for Star Trek: First Contact.  Katy Perry has GPS in her car, so all the girls will be ready to avoid her kisses.  Wait, everybody has one?  That seems…oddly creepy.  Taylor Swift is the fashion consultant?  If they don’t have cowboy boots and denim she won’t like them, and if she says she does she’s lying.  She seems totally out of her element.  T.I. does look sharp, I’ll give him that.  Taylor Swift looks like she dressed in gold tinfoil, in a bad way.  I bet Taylor Swift is dreaming about the CMAs.  Back to Sway in the chopper, and he did a prom show with Taylor Swift?  Is Nashville going to let her back in the city?  Wait, all the limos are labeled.  Holy crap, Sway asked Katy Perry a good question about the backlash about “I Kissed a Girl”, and she gets a dig on Lil’ Wayne.  Nice.  I like the cut of her jib.  Oh, John Norris time.  Uh, monster truck?  Tokio Hotel?  Wow, I’m glad to see Dead or Alive’s singer is getting work.  John Norris isn’t looking quite so silly tonight.  I think every year he gets thinner and his hair gets thicker.  Soon, he’ll be a singularity that will swallow MTV whole, or maybe I’m hoping.

7:14 PM

For one, I won’t be watching the Hills.  Is it Furry Pride week in L.A.?  Worse, it looks like Slipknot.  Wait, the elephant has bling.  T-Pain makes enough to bling to bling his elephant.  Wait, he owns an elephant?  Huh?  Oh, it ties into his new CD.  If he actually owned an elephant, that would make for a good part of his future “Behind the Music”.  New poindexter alert, and he has a snappy Amy Winehouse joke.  I bet he spent all night writing that.  Verizon tie in time.  Woo.  Seriously, a paparazzi type tie in?  Do we want to train the future camera-dogs to do their job?  Oh, this new tool only is available if I text.  I’m about to toss my phone across the room.  Hmm, I lost my phone somewhere.  Oh well.  Pink is looking snazzy, and her set sounds…interesting.  This could be a good show.  I’d read that some of the shows are happening at some movie sets, which  could lead to some interesting shows.  I’d hope for a Star Trek one, since they are at Paramount, and Paramount takes any chance to take a dump on Star Trek.  Sway in the chopper time, saving Jordin Sparks from an awkward interview.  Wait, not just GPS stuff in the limos, some have cameras.  Seriously, will anyone be surprised at anything anymore ever at this rate?  Dang, this blog is sounding more and more curmudgeonly all the time.

7:23 PM

A quick apology right now about spelling errors.  I’ll fix them when it’s all over. Kim Stolz…where have I heard that name before?  I have no idea.  I found my non-Verizon phone, so I can now properly ignore all this text junk.  Is Sway flying the copter?  I don’t see anyone else there. Panic at the Disco took a van instead of a limo.  Props to that.  Why am I watching Panic at the Disco wave to a chopper?  Is this Action News circa 1983?  BTW, Kate hates the chopper.  I agree.  Katy Perry is wearing some not-so-hot hot pants.  Katy at least looks good from the neck up.  Katy Perry is actually wearing something she made that she got at a thrift shop.  I’ve found my mom’s long lost daughter.  Kate tells me Katy doesn’t match.  I’ll take her word for it, since I’m not one to notice/care about clothes matching.  Kiss her.  KISS HER!  C’mon Katy, do it!  She’s making her own moonman if she doesn’t win.  That’s pretty cool.  Kid Rock and Michael Phelps?  Whiskey-tango-foxtrot?  “You’ve won eight gold medals, so you get Kid Rock’s limo.”  That seems more like punishment for the Canadian pentathlon guy.  I think Kid Rock wears the same outfit every year.  Hat, husband beater, jeans…yep.

7:32 PM

America’s Best Dance Crew?  Time for a soda.  I like Diet Pepsi for a show like this.  It’s smooth and doesn’t lent itself to slamming.  Seriously, does any network love the smell of it’s own $#!* like MTV?  I heard Fanny Pak announced and thought “but the song Camel Toe came out years ago” but it must be the name of this dance troupe.  The cross promotion is worse than ever.  If they’d shown the dance from the chopper, that  might have been interesting.  Time to talk to the Jonas Brothers.  I’ll try to keep my brain from checking out.  Y’know what Jonas song I like the most?  “My Name is Jonas” by Weezer.  It really gets the first Weezer album going strong.  That guitar lick really gets it going and sets a tone.  Wait, commercial?  Um…oops.

7:40 PM

Oh, that was a quick break.  Just a commercial for the…VMAs.  Oh, also a promo for a show on Verizon moble phones.  AND A REAL WORLD ROAD RULES SURVIVOR RIP OFF?  This and Daria gets cancelled.  I must go bang my head against a wall.  BRB.

7:43 PM

Xtina is looking pretty good tonight.  I have permission to say that (I think).  Why does Paris Hilton have a vehicle with a GPS?  Oh, THAT’S what BFF stands for.  Thanks Paris, I wasn’t aware of that one.  Here I thought maybe it was some new music project (and I use that loosely).  Only one Jonas Brother got his suit shined for tonight.  Lame guys, lame.  Slipknot is getting interviewed?  They’re wearing suits even?  They’re creeping my wife out, so that’s amusing.

7:51 PM

Ashlee and kid to be named later are in the house.  She’s looking all right.  I thought she would have popped by now.  Is Kobe Bryant doing a Shaq style album?  If not, why are they talking to him?  Is KG too busy polishing his trophy?  Somebody drove a fuel efficient car or two, and it was Paramore?  That took me by surprise.  I never thought of them as a band that would do that, but lead singer Haley Williams mentions that her hairspray cancelled it out.  Man, the new guy sucks.  He’ll be on text detail for years.  Taylor Swift called Ciara “Ciaras”.  Further proof she’s wishing she was in Texas or somewhere like that.  It’s almost time to finish the pre-show, so we’ll finally see what this Britney thing is.

7:58 PM

They didn’t say who was in the Obama limo with the John McCain style driver, but it was pretty amusing.  Time to check with Sway again?  Nope, the Brit guy is still hogging the TV time.  All right, let’s tie this one on!

8:00 PM

who is this guy?  He sounds familiar.  Is he the guy from Superbad?  She seems like she’s having fun with this bit, which is good.  Nice enthusiastic product placement.  I had to pause to LOL a bit.  Seriously, it’s worth seeing just for the look on his face.  Time to see what her trick is.  And her big thing is to…say the show is starting.  Okay then.  ZOMBIES!  All right, time for some Rihanna up in here.  I like Rihanna’s dress tank.  It looks like one that Cobra had back in the 80s.  However, she’s not dressed like the Baroness.  She is actually singing!  That’s a nice touch.  Well, at least the lead singer parts are being sung.  No backup zombie singers.  Boo that.  The not-zombie back up dancer girls remind me of the post-apocalyptic Kiss video for “Lick It Up”.  I’m going to go on a limb and say that’s not what they were going for.  I just heard a “Seven Nation Army” breakdown in the middle of “Disturbia” and it worked really well.    So far, the show is catching my eye.  Maybe this show will turn things around.  Let’s see how this Brit host does.  Was Forgetting Sarah Marshall a bigger hit than I remember?  The British dude just endorsed Obama?  Okay…fine.  Wait, it was a joke set-up?  What will we joke about when Bush isn’t in office?  His jokes are falling a bit flat, but he’s going for it.  He keeps going for the political stuff, and since they edit some of that out for rebroadcast…there won’t be much monologue.  Jamie Foxx is out to intro the female video category, and he’s almost getting as many laughs as the host.  Best female video goes to Britney, and she agreed to show up…isn’t that convenient?  Her lack of surprise is pretty telling.  The host won’t let up on the political stuff.  The house band is a DJ and a drummer?  Okay then.  At least Travis Barker is getting some work somewhere.

8:25 PM

BFF is hosting a new show about people trying to be her BFF.  Wow.  That idea is so bad I felt myself die a little inside?  Okay, that’s harsh, but I won’t watch it, nor will anyone I know…I think.  Demi Moore arrives, w/o Ashton, for the Best Male Video category.  Chris Brown makes both the wife and I…wrong.  He’s looking dapper as always.  The blue tie with the white suit works.  The Brit keeps making jokes about (A) sex or (B) politics.  Those are his only two settings so far.  Taylor Swift introduces the Jonas Brothers, who are performing on one of the back lot street scenes.  They actually don’t sound to bad.  Nice transition!  Wow, I never thought I’d type this, but I’m impressed with how they pulled off this performance.  Katy Perry takes us to the break singing Madonna?  It works.

8:39 PM

Katy is back, and she’s gone from feeling “Like a Virgin” to “I Kissed a Girl”.  Her voice isn’t too bad live.  This just in…the Brit guy still sucks.  Michael Phelps can swim like a fish, but he has the stage presence of a fish as well.  Ugh.  Leona Lewis takes the stage, and Lil’ Wayne follows.  My wife is begging Lil’ Wayne to stop grabbin’ his junk.  Truth be told, it isn’t doing much for me either.  Why even wear pants at this stage?  Just wear underwear and leg warmers.  On the bright side they aren’t tighty whities.  It seems Lil’ Wayne didn’t get the memo about editing his songs.  The censor button seems to be getting a workout.  T-Pain is out now, and this duo can do no wrong of late.  I’m not a big fan of Lil’ Wayne, but I’ll give him props for really going all out for his performance.  Lindsay Lohan name checks AC/DC, so I won’t make any Lohan comments.  Fanny Pak is the winner of some dance off thing that I think I mentioned earlier.  No speech for them, as we get right to the “best dancing in a video” category, instead of “best dance video”.  Once again, Kate and I blow it.  PCD takes it, but I barely recognize them since they’re not dressed like go-go strippers.

8:55 PM

Pete Wentz shows the vote counters for “Best New Video”, and it’s Danty Kane.  Dear gracious, this Brit guy isn’t that funny at all.  Am I missing something?  Time for some Paramore at the Whiskey a Go-Go, or a reasonable look-alike, since they keep saying that “nothing is as it seems” this year.  I’m not sold on Paramore live.  The music is solid, but the vocals sound too forced and more like yelling than singing.  Now the Whiskey is revealed to be…the main stage?  Worst surprise yet, and maybe the worst performance yet.

9:07 PM

The longer this goes on, the more I don’t like the host.  He’s just not that funny.  Ugh.  Shia LeBeouf and Slash?  Does LeBeaof have to be everywhere?  It would be cool if Slash’s hat transformed.  Linkin Park takes best rock video.  I didn’t even see them on the red carpet, but they aren’t exactly wearing Gucci.  Nice Transformers reference by the Linkin Park DJ guy.  Miley Cyrus is backstage playing Rock Band with Tokio Hotel.  I liked her singing Bon Jovi.  It was actually cute.  Now it’s Pink time, and this should be good.  This just in…Pink has pasties on, and she needed them.  The performance wasn’t as big as I was expecting, but she did say earlier she broke a rib in rehearsals, so maybe that caused some changes.  I’d say it’s the best performance of the night so far.

9:20 PM

The Ting Tings join DJ AM and drummer guy for a bit of “Shut Up and Let Me Go”.  Pete and Ashely are making a joke about voting for best new artist, but they forgot to mention Verizion or Pepsi.  They’ll be punished later.  Slipknot is coming out.  Please tell me they’re going to kill the host.  Nope, they’re going to kill some random drunk guy in a bad mask.  Best hip-hop video?  Is that the best way to utilize Slipknot?  Lil’ Wayne and Slipknot?  There’s a combo.  Wayne gets points for brevity, and we go to John Legend and Jordin Sparks.  Jordin Sparks takes the host to task about promise rings, and good for her.  They intro T.I., and it is another video on some old movie set.  T.I. opted for lip-syncing the way it sounds, and that was a poor choice.  Since everyone else has either sung or pulled it off convincingly, T.I. gets a heapin’ helping of fail for this one.  Wait, it wasn’t his performance, but rather a set up for his duet with Rihanna.  Now he’s really rapping.  Methinks I commented too soon.  At the end, it wasn’t a bad performance.  I hate to say MTV pulled one off on me, but they did.  DJ AM takes us out with a-ha.  A-ha?

9:36 PM

Vanessa Hudgens is dressed, and Ashley Tisdale’s new nose is on the scene as well.  The HSM 3 cast intros Xtina’s performance, but I don’t think Fred Durst will show up this time.  I didn’t Xtina was auditioning for Catwoman.  Get Chris Nolan on the phone.  I think it would work.  Anyway, she’s doing a new song, and she’s lip-synching.  I can’t blame her a lot, as she’s really dancing up a storm.  I hope Britney is taking notes.  This is how one performs at the VMAs.  Kate has noticed crotch grabbing a plenty tonight.  It must be what all the kids are doing.  I think Xtina just dropped the phrase “superbitch”, and she’s doing a bit of singing now.  Kate wasn’t sold, but I dug Xtina’s new song and her look.  Sadly, we’re back to Brit non-com, who doesn’t mind calling out politicos but won’t name drop R. Kelly when talking about…ew.  Some actors from the Hills are introducing the “Best new artist” category.  Your winner is Tokio Hotel, thanks to their insanely rabid fan base.  Wow, I thought Evanescence was up for this years ago…no wait, that’s the Tokio lead singer/former Dead or Alive singer?  I’d love to see these guys on “Sprockets” if only Mike Myers could do that skit again.

9:49 PM

LL Cool J brings us back with “Goin’ Back to Cali”, which instantly ramps up the cool in my book.  Sadly, the cool in a 34 year old male’s book is not the cool MTV is going for.  LL Cool J is funnier than Russell Brand.  Ouch.  Paris arrives for “Best pop video”.  The winner goes to…Britney.  She’s got two of them, and I’m still thinking the fix might be in.  MTV needs Brit-brit, and they’re doing their best to help her back to where she was.  Lupe takes us to break from a very plain segment. That segment was almost more VH1 than MTV.

9:59 PM

Russell Brand apologized for a few things, but not for sucking.  Maybe next time.  Kid Rock is performing tonight?  I had no idea.  Well, let’s hope it lives up to his older performances, like the year Aerosmith and Run DMC came out.  Kid Rock and Lil’ Wayne?  Why not.  Wayne will record/sing/show up for anything.  He really doesn’t care, and it’s a strategy that seems to be working.  I just hope he doesn’t nuke his brain too badly in the next few years.  Kid Rock’s performance is very ordinary.  I’m feeling let down.  “All Summer Long” is a good song, but it doesn’t bring out Kid’s energy and fury really well.  Dare I say “snoozer”?

10:10 PM

Kobe brings us back, and I almost wish he’d hosted.  Time for video of the year.  Can Britney do the three-peat?  Yep, she wins again.  Seriously.  I mean, seriously?  She’s barely trying to fake it that she’s surprised.  Plus, they had things pretty planned out to take her out during the new Kanye song.  Kanye’s song was pretty good, but you could tell at the end he wished he had won something.  His broken-heart flashy pin was really keen.  Russell Brand takes it out, and into the post-show credits, with more Russell Brand.  Ugh.  Well, that’s a show.  Time to wrap things up and repost this to MySpace, with a few extra words.